Business: An irreverent look inside the walls

What goes on inside the walls?

This week’s blog mixes AI and HI (Human intelligence) … or as some may call it UI (Unintelligence).

Business is all about people (for now at least, until the robots and AI banish us to the bench to sit and watch how it should be done). But it’s not all serious and stoic; a place where analytics confront us with the stark reality and unbending process drives our daily routines.  Amidst the results announcements and synergy talks, there's a weirdly comforting commonality to the inner workings of the corporate carousel the world over that puts a knowing smile of recognition on our faces.

Bringer of energy

Every office has that one magical item that's (even) more important than the bloke (or woman) in the corner office – the coffee machine. Without this everything comes to a halt. It's the well-oiled engine of the workplace, the dispenser of liquid to fuel the day, the place where queues might form to swap gossip and exchange ideas whist waiting for the magic elixir of energy. Many of my most insightful conversations happened here.

Email etiquette

Ah, the art of crafting the perfect email. It's a delicate balance between economy of words and an uncaring abyss into which the recipient might be thrown. Where one wrong keystroke can send you tumbling down the rabbit hole of passive-aggressive punctuation. Even worse, the dreaded erroneous auto-fill of the recipients email address entails an unintended trip to see HR for chastisement … or worse. Thank heavens for the emoji.

Meetings, meetings, meetings

Meetings: the only place where time simultaneously flies and stands still. They're like a box of chocolates; you never know what you're gonna get – except you usually do, and it's PowerPoint slides; and lots of them. Carefully crafted to deliver a message that prompts the required response. Usually so many that the common terminology is now "the deck". Pro tip: if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with buzzwords. Otherwise go for volume. Worked for me.

Dress Code

Pre-lockdown we all broadly understood that “smart” swung between suits and chinos (please insert the womens equivalent here) depending on the context. “Dress down Friday” was invented to help those who struggled with the concept to get it right at least once per week. All was good. Post Covid, there is no standard.  The weekly fashion show now encompasses jeans teetering on professional to outrageous Tee-shirts screaming for a vacation (That’s you Pete :-) ) and gym wear (whatever that is) for the more (or more often, the least) athletically inclined. Will the empire strike back….. Fearing that sartorial rebellion is a sign of worse to come? Who knows. Redeeming news; robots don’t need clothes.

Out of Office

I always saw the out of office response as a chance to make people smile whilst telling them in no uncertain terms that I was on holiday and would not appreciate their own urgencies, self-importance or petty, insignificant to-do-lists getting in the way of my downtime. It helps if you can wrap this truth of your closely guarded apathy towards them in comical terms sufficiently to leave them wondering if you mean it or not; whilst leaving them with just a thread of hope that you might read their grovelling email and respond.  Try it … it’s fun.

Technology … a love-hate relationship.

Compatibility? Try believing that as the audience watches on smugly as you can’t get the screen to display your finely crafted .ppt; or the office is scoured for the right lead to accommodate the only Apple in a sea of Microsoft; or the mainland European/American is confronted by the dawning realisation that he forgot that the Brits use a different power socket as his laptop tells him that it needs power … and be sharp about it! Does anyone know the wi-fi passcode?  It's a dance of updates, upgrades, and the eternal question: "Have you tried turning it off and on again?’

Video Calamity

Nothing says 'modern business' quite like Zoom or Teams calls. A set of constantly repeated phrases has entered our lexicon: “you’re on mute”, 'Can you see my screen?'. At the other end of the call sits a group of people in the local Starbucks listening to every word because no headphones were remembered and the guilty person dreads having to speak given the wave of background noise that will greet the worldwide audience now discovering the environment previously cloaked by the mountain scenery behind the participant. Thought you would get away with it?

Jargon Jamboree

Business jargon is the gift that keeps on giving. Whether it's 'blue sky thinking' 'synergizing,' or 'leveraging our core competencies,' the buzzword bingo is a game everyone plays but no one wins. It's a language where words are used not for their meaning, but for their ability to sound important, or simply mask a lack of understanding. And when that fails you can always revert to the extensive use of acronyms to the point where a GoA is a prerequisite (Glossary of Acronyms).

Air Con wars

We are all different. Our perception of temperature is defined by how we feel, where we sit, what we wear, our nervous system and the level of physical intensity. It's no surprise that the greatest ongoing power struggle within the ever more fashionable, but often impractical, open office layouts with endless hot-desking is … who controls the aircon temperature setting. It’s a battle that needs regulation and rules… and strict policing. So..... deny them all access. Appoint a Director of Air conditioning or even lock everything down. You can't please all of the people all the time – so stop trying.

Swag

Whole swathes of businesses make a reasonable living from providing an unthinkable range of (sadly often plastic) items for organisations to print their logo on and give them away to customers and staff who didn’t know they wanted them in the first place. From pens that don't write to USB drives that hold less data than a floppy disk (ask your parents), corporate swag is the stuff of legend. To some it's a treasure trove of unneeded items to collect and hoard. To others it’s something to deposit in the bin on your way out. To me it was the only source of pens that I ever used.

The Company Event

First question: can you find a cunning excuse to not be there. Second question: do you need to do anything (like make a presentation) of can you simply attend (aka go along for the ride and do as little as possible). Third question: what will it entail. Organisers know these questions in advance. They are smart. They will tell you the date way in advance to preclude your feeble excuses: They will ensure that the constant threat of participation will keep you awake: They will never tell you in advance what you need to do. You are captive. Resistance is futile.

So, there you have it, a peek within the walls of the corporate world. Scary but reassuringly comforting to know that it's the same the world over. Hope you enjoyed it. Business doesn't always have to be serious (finance team excepted, obviously). In the grand bazaar of life and business, a smile, of even a full-blown chuckle is the usually most valuable currency.